Did you say, 'genius?'

A guide for those unaware

I am 1,234,567,566th person to be diagnosed with ADHD this week. I have no new revelations about this diagnosis that haven’t already been shared by the other 1,234,567,565 - but to the amusement of everyone in my life, I was quite shocked.

At first, when I was given the diagnosis, I thought he said I had a condition called ‘genius’ - but he corrected my misheard moment and said, ‘no, ADHD babe. The big ol’ HD with a little AD thrown in for good measure.’

This, my friends, came as a bit of a shock.

When I told my sister, who is younger and cuter than I, that I was confused about the number of people who had been telling me a lot lately they thought I had the ADHD biz, she spat her tea across the room. ‘Oh shit, I thought you knew?’ she said confused, staring at her older, less cute sister who she had obviously diagnosed years before. She looked slightly bewildered and a bit sorry for me at my apparent and stunning, lack of self awareness. I, on the other hand, was miffed that there was now tea splattered everywhere, and slightly perturbed that this younger, cuter thing had clocked something she thought was so obvious, so clear to everyone…but me.

I was confused.

Not long before, I was teaching and just said as a throwaway to my student peeps, ‘…blah, blah, blah… I probably have something diagnosable’ - to which there was collective, loud, group-affirmed laughter. I looked at them confused, ‘do you think I do?’ I stammered, utterly bewildered at how an entire group of people could collectively believe something they were so sure of, that the only response was to laugh at the absurdity of the question.

I was confused.

Desperate to find someone who wasn’t so on board this growing, highly inappropriate peer diagnosis wildfire that was burning out of control - I went straight to my workplace bully. I have 2. One on the fourth floor and one on the second. Both have a sense of pride at their title and feel strongly that their work in oppressing me is for the greater good. And there is something comforting about these particular workplace bullies. Knowing they will take any opportunity to wear away at my confidence means that on the rare occasion they don’t, theirs becomes the only word that I can trust. So I hoped for one of those rare revelations but instead, this is how the conversation went with WorkplaceBullyonlevel2.

Scene #367

Innocent Jacinta: why do people keep telling me I’ve got ADHD?

WorkplaceBullyonlevel2 :: {long pause - eyes locked on mine - brow becoming increasing furrowed} Are you having a lend?

Innocent Jacinta: um… no? I just…

WorkplaceBullyonlevel2: have you heard your radio show?

Innocent Jacinta: I’m not sure I like I the direction this is going in…

WorkplaceBullyonlevel2: Have you opened your computer to do any work today?

Innocent Jacinta: well, no, but there were 50 people I had to stop to talk to on the way to my desk, and I lost my keys 15 times and then my phone… and realised I left my computer at home and now it’s time to go.

WorkplaceBullyonlevel2: …

I had been told In every corner of my life, from people who did not, last time I checked, have psychiatry qualifications- that I was on the spec. But then there were the pesky professionals who also joined the chorus. And yep, blah blah blah, ADHD…

What has actually been the thing I can’t shake is my utter unawareness of a perspective of me in the world that seems widely shared. Regardless of this diagnosis and whether we call this ADHD or just ‘a cute form of genius’ - there was a shared perspective of me from all the people in all the different facets of my life. What had I been missing about myself that was so damn obvious? And then more frighteningly, What else had I been missing? What was going to be the next collective revelation of me?

I’m still not sure what I think about it all. I guess I had seen myself from one vantage point all these years and failed to check on the ways I might be understood from other angles. But then, why should it matter if my personal view of myself is in conflict with the rest of the world? Or is this what Elon musk assures himself at night? Do we need to see ourselves from the outside to check in on the impact we make? Or is that the problem with this whole gig? That we are too concerned with the way we might be perceived by others?

Either way, nothing really changes, I dont think. Only that I am more keenly aware that I will likely never know who I am to other people, and maybe there’s nothing I can do about that. Or maybe there is? But actually, I just remembered, have you see my keys anywhere? That’s what I was doing when I got distracted and started writing this substack…